Getting Rid of Tanya
by CassandraHolly
Summary: The Cullens hire Leah Clearwater to give them a few pointers on how to not- so- subtly get Tanya OUT of their HOUSE. On hiatus
1. Chapter 1

So far this is just a oneshot, if you want a sequel, review and i will :) enjoy :D x

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><p>"Now, gents, there is something you must understand." Leah Clearwater paced up and down in front of the male population of the Cullens, hands behind her back, head in the air.<p>

"Being the bane of one's existence is a strenuous, demanding job; one which I take seriously and to heart. One must not lack in effort and inspiration, much less intelligence and imagination. However!" She turned on her heel and stared degradingly at the men, each of whom were watching with respectful gazes. "I do not hold with cowards. I do not hold with cheats and liars. And I do not hold with _mercy._"

She studied each and every one of them- Jasper, Carlisle, Edward and Emmett- then carried on pacing.

"So. Your objective: To irritate Tanya Cullen to the point where she vacates the area. Your inspiration: the idea of an existence purged of any 'strawberry blonde' curls." She made quotation marks at this point. "though, truth be told, she's obviously a fucking ginger." Leah stopped for a second and gazed in to the distance. "Anyway! Are you ready to bend over backwards, to strain yourselves with unreachable targets, to do whatever it takes to achieve a seemingly unattainable goal?"

they all nodded fervently.

"Right! Then we begin tomorrow. Meet me in the Meadow at noon. Be there or be triangle. Wait, it's square... be there or be square. Or dead. Or undead. Ah, whatever, I'm too tired for this shit."

She wandered out on to the porch, passing Jacob, who grinned at her.

"Heya, Leah.."

"Alraaaght, ma brudda."

And thus began the Cullen's new mission:

The eradication of Tanya.


	2. Chapter 2

"You're late," Emmett accused as Leah strolled in the field with a dignified look on her face.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious."

"Two hours late." Edward added. Leah looked at Carlisle.

"Dear me, your son can tell the time. Aren't you proud?" Before he could open his mouth, Leah interrupted. "On second thoughts, don't go there. I didn't come to hear a sermon about your angel faced vampire kid."

At that moment, Jacob Black strolled in to the field, hands in his pockets.

"What's he doing here?" Edward asked, more surprised than anything else; he and Jacob were on good terms.

"He's going to assist me in my methods of evicting the ginger."

They all looked critically at Jacob, who was watching a bird and eating celery.

"I thought she was strawberry blonde." Carlisle murmured.

"My good man, in this world, there is no such thing as 'strawberry blondes' or 'redheads'. There are only gingers, normal people, and the chained fence that separates us." Leah gave him a look that prevented him opening his mouth to argue the case of 'it's what's on the inside that counts'.

"Now, I know for a fact that he-" Leah jerked her thumb at Jacob. "Only has three braincells. I suppose you can give me the approximate amount that your ginger little friend owns?"

"Being a vampire," Edward told her, "She'd have thousands more than the average human."

Leah blinked, then looked at Jacob.

"Ah well, close enough. Anyway, I have a plan in mind that doesn't involve brain cells, just the general sluttiness in her nature, so we should be good." She smiled briefly then turned to the boys again.

"This is the plan..."


	3. Chapter 3

**-Two days later-**

"You know, Tanya," Emmett said as he and Tanya sat at the kitchen table, "I know someone who has a bit of a crush on you."

"Oh yeah?" Tanya's ears, hidden beneath the ginger mane, almost visibly perked up. "Who?"

Emmett leaned in secretively. "Only our little Jasper."

Tanya's eyes widened as she gazed at him, then her lips curled in to a smile. She patted Emmett on the shoulder and exited the kitchen; Emmett grinned broadly.

Phase One: Complete.

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><p>"Bunny Rabbit." Emmett hissed in to a walkie talkie. "Come in, Bunny Rabbit."<p>

"My name," Jasper hissed back, "Is not 'Bunny Rabbit'."

"Is too." Emmett argued. "Foxy said so. Speaking of which- Foxy, you there?"

There was silence; Foxy was not responding.

"Foxy! Come in, Foxy! Bear to Foxy, I repeat, Bear-"

"I'm over here, dumbass."

Emmett and Jasper turned to look at Leah, who was lounging across one of the Cullens' sofas and eating a banana, eyes glued to the telly, on which McFly On The Wall was playing.

It was then that they noticed the rest of the family sitting in the room, watching them as if they had two heads.

"Heh." Emmett grinned shamelessly. "Sorry 'bout that."

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><p>-<strong>The next day-<strong>

"Owl." Leah's voice crackled over the walkie- talkie

"Present." Carlisle replied.

"Bear."

"Hey, Foxy babes."

"Stop calling me that."

"Sorry."

"Fine. Bunny Rabbit."

"Okay, fine. Maybe my front teeth are _a little _on the big side but that doesn't mean I'm a-"

"Shut it, Bunny. Who's left-? Oh, yeah, Kangaroo."

There was a pause, then: "Just out of interest, what exactly links me to a kangaroo?"

"You're good at jumping."

"Okay then." Edward sounded confused but left it at that.

They were at their vantage points in the forest; Emmett was in the undergrowth, Carlisle and Edward were in bushes, and Leah was in a tree. They were all focused on Jasper, who stood in the middle of a clearing, looking slightly confused.

"Now we're all present. Is everyone clear on the plan?"

"Affirmative."

"Affirmative."

"Yeah, Foxy babes."

"I don't even eat carrots. How can I be a bunny?"

"Jasper! Shut it! Now, any questions before Ginger- Top arrives?"

"Question." Edward said. "Everyone says I have copper hair. Does that make me a... a... _ginger_?"

"No." Leah said firmly.

"Oh good, because I-"

"Unless you want to be called tampon."

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><p>Tanya walked in to the clearing, dressed in the tightest clothes she had. She spotted Jasper, standing on his own and looking scared for his life, and sauntered up to him.<p>

"Hello, Jasper." She purred. Emmett made a retching sound; from her tree, Leah dropped a conker on his head. Edward stifled his laughter.

"Um... hi." Jasper replied, looking shaken.

"Now, I know I want this- but do _you_? Are you sure you could commit to me?"

"...Yes?"

"Good. Then let's begin." She pounced on Jasper, smashing her lips against his...

And the commotion began.


	4. Chapter 4

"COMMENCE THE PLAN! COMMENCE THE-" Leah's shrieks were cut off as she fell ot of her tree, landing on Emmett, who was in the process of aiming a hand catapult at Tanya's head. He roared in shock, the stone in the catapult mis-firing and hitting Jasper, who whined and stumbled away, tripping into a large pot hole.

Leah began screaming again, launching herself across the clearing and into Tanya; they flew into Edward, who began screeching about 'raperapeRAPE'.

Tanya picked the screaming Leah up and lobbed her into the trees; Leah's shrieks grew fainter and fainter, and then there was s distant 'smash' as she hit what sounded like the Cullen's kitchen window.

Emmett came to his senses (or 'sense'. Plurals don't fit in this situation) and ran across the clearing, banging in to Tanya. She flew back in Jasper's direction; the dazed blonde had just stood up in the hole; and hit him in the face. They both tumbled back.

Edward, running arond like a headless chicken, banged in to a huge tree; the force caused the tree to fall on Emmett, and Edward sprinted away, screaming.

In the silence that followed, Carlisle's head popped up from the undergrowth.

"When you say 'commence," He asked good- naturedly, "Do you mean, begin?"


	5. Chapter 5

Meanwhile, in the Cullen's pad, Esme, Rosalie, Alice and Bella were sitting around the kitchen table, watching Renesmee, who was making paper airoplanes on the floor.

Suddenly, Esme frowned. "What's that?" They all followed her gaze to the window, where what appeared to be a large, ungainly bird was flying towards them, screams getting louder and louder.

"Wait a minute,it's wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, it must be Le-"

_(Why an MCR shirt, I hear you ask? Well, because I'm wearing one right now, my dears)_

With a smash, Leah came through the window and landed on the table, sliding to a halt on her back with her legs in the air. Slowly, she put them down, sat up and blinked.

"Oh, bonjour, mes petite... vamps." She stretched and yawned, then got up- still on the table- and cracked her back.

"Wow, flying through forests isn't pleasant. Don't try it, children." She jumped down and strolled back out through the hole in the window, leaving a stunned female population of the Cullen family.

In the corner, Renesmee held up a piece of paper. "Look," She said prodly,"It's not a paper airplane, it's a paper Leah, neown neown CRASH."

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><p>After a few seconds of stunned silence, Tanya got up off Jasper, who made a noise rather like a deflating balloon. She stared around at the wreckage. Somewhere in the distance, Emmett was screaming with a pitch worthy of Justin Bieber.<p>

She opened her mouth, but was interrupted by Leah, who pranced in to the clearing. "Bonjour, mon amie." She frowned. "Sorry, I'm in a strangely foreign mood today."

"Same," Said Carlisle, "I made french pancakes this morning, but couldn't eat them, because I'm a vampire."

"Excuse me," Tanya interrupted, "What the hell's going on?"

"Well, Ginger-"

Carlisle looked at Leah pointedly and she backed off, hands raised.

"Well, you see, Tanya... well, we had a... plan."

"To do _what_, exactly?"

"Um, to..."

"To get rid," Edward said, standing up unsteadily, "Of you."

Tanya gaped at them.

"Because you're a bit of an annoying slut, to be honest."

"Amen." Jasper's hand apeared from the hole as he said this, followed by his head.

"Hear, hear."

"Preach it, CopperHead."

This last comment came from Leah, who was, unusually, not making any sarcastic comments.

They all looked at Tanya for her reaction.

Somewhere, in the distance, Emmett's screams died down as he took a breath, then started again.


End file.
